Thank you Kristina Poore for sharing your story.
When I was seven years old, when I prayed to receive Christ, I did recognize my need for a Savior. I do believe that when I prayed to receive Christ at seven years old, that that was a genuine prayer, but I still had this feeling that there was something that I still had to do. So, whether that was being good enough to deserve it or to be worthy of it, to make sure I wasn’t sinning, to make sure that I didn’t somehow ruin it. I believed that if I didn’t maintain that standard, that there was a very real possibility that I could sin and lose my salvation. And that I could die in that sin and go to hell. I knew I couldn’t meet that standard, so I kind of gave up. So then that led to another 10 years of walking down a path of trying to find worth.
I think once you reach the point of feeling completely worthless, at that point you kind of don’t care anymore about the choices that you’re making. Are they destructive? Are they not? And so there were things that I did when I went down that path that I won’t even mention. It’s in the past, it’s over and done with. But I think there are people that would still judge me, probably, if they knew. I think when we experience that kind of pain, especially when we belong to Him, it’s painful for Him, too, to watch us walk through that. Especially being a mother now and having my own children, I know that it’s painful for me to watch them when they’re in pain and they’re making choices that lead down that kind of a path. But I think what’s beautiful about that kind of brokenness is that none of it is wasted when God heals us.
I think He can use every part of that. No matter how ugly, I think He can use it for good and to bring Him glory ultimately. I mean, there are parts of my past and things that I was exposed to and introduced to in my past that are still a struggle at times and still a source of temptation, but it’s finished. And once He restores and He heals, He doesn’t leave you that way. He fills you with His Holy Spirit and it gives you the power to be able to face the temptation, to overcome the struggles, to move past the shame from your past that wants to creep up and haunt you that I think the enemy wants to use to keep you from experiencing joy in your life. Because once He heals us, I think it’s His will that we experienced joy and it doesn’t just stop with putting us back together. He wants so much more for us.